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2009/07/28 / AoM

Sweet sorrow my ass

*Note: I wrote this weeks ago, and yeah, I’m just posting it now. So sue me. * written 07.03.09 *

My babies are gone.

Let me clarify that.  Daddy’s taken the kids to visit his friend for the holiday weekend.  I am not going along.  I may die.

See, I have never spent a night away from my kids. Ever.  Okay, once I spent a night away from my daughter.  That’s because I was in the hospital giving birth to my son.  I came home as soon as I could get the doctors to release me.  I think I’m going to die.

In case you’re wondering: yes, of course I was invited too, but I turned down the invitation.  You are thoroughly confused, aren’t you?

I told the Mr. to go ahead and take the kids and have a great time.  I’ve been meaning to re-do our website, and I just have so much on my list of things to do, I could use the peace and quiet, you just go on and I’ll see you Sunday. 

Truth is, I can already tell I probably won’t get much accomplished this weekend.  I’m too busy wandering around the house wondering where my heart has gone.  You see, I think I need them more than they need me.  I tell myself they can’t possibly make it three days without me, but really, I don’t think I can make it without them.  If they are somewhere in my sight, I know they’re all ok.  All the way on the other side of the state? Why, they might eat a bad hot dog and get violently ill.  Someone might blow a finger off with a sparkler.  What if they get lost in the backyard, can’t find their way back, and have to be raised from here on out by a family of wolves?  What if they miss me too much?  What if they don’t miss me at all?

Yeah. Rational stuff.

This weekend, I tell myself, is a test.  This is only a test.  Sooner or later, I know I have to learn to let go.   I cannot let my anxieties keep my children from living.  I’m not always going to be right there, and even if I were, who’s to say something wouldn’t happen anyway?   They are growing up, and I guess I’m going to have to grow up too.

I’m afraid to let them go, but I’m more afraid of how messed up they could become if I don’t.  Every single bit of me wanted to go along this weekend.  To keep my family close to me.  And that’s exactly why I did not go.


One Comment

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  1. Ruby Cantu / Jul 31 2009 21:25

    Mother’s rationiong at its best, great post!

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